All flourishing is mutual
Have you ever seen someone else’s success and gotten annoyed, angry, jealous or bummed out. They land a great job and you’re still working a gig you hate. They get engaged and you’re scrolling apps looking for a soulmate. They’re sending baby shower invites and you’re not pregnant after months of trying. They’re having amazing vacations, starting a business, writing a book, getting a cat, etc. Whatever it is that they have you want it. The feeling of jealousy washes over you….and that can feel really icky. Comparison is the thief of joy, and it feels pretty awful to have joy stolen…even if you yourself are the thief.
So when challenging emotions arise (and they will) I like to get curious rather than judgemental. I work on ditching the comparison and with non-attachement start to explore the feeling that’s underneath the feeling.
Here’s a personal example and something I am working on: I see a woman looking hella fly in her IG pictures and folks are commenting with fire emojis, thumbs up and “girl, you look awesome.” Who do you think shows up? Jealousy and comparison of course!
I think, “Why is she spending all this money on clothes?” or “Sure she looks great, I know she gets botox and lip injections. I could look like that too if I the spent time and money, but I don’t want to.” I’m annoyed that she is both pretty and seems self-centered, looking for attention and praise.
But what’s really going on for me? Because it’s not about her….that woman is merely a mirror for my feelings and my reactions.
So that’s the curious feeling. I don’t actually want to look like her. I don’t want botox, I don’t want to spend money on fast fashion clothes. And I certainly don’t want her wine drinking lifestyle. So since I don’t want what she has, am I actually even jealous? Or am I feeling something else?
What I have concluded (after much self-study and meditation) is that the feeling under the jealousy is actually fear.
Fear that I’m not pretty and as I round the corner to 41 I’m not as attractive as I was in my 30s or 20s (despite actually being more connected to my body than I was at 31.) Fear that I’m not worthy or valid in the eyes of others. Fear that being my authentic self doesn’t resonate with people and I am in fact a weirdo. Fear that despite my best efforts, I not enough.
Fear says, “people aren’t commenting on your post because it’s not actually that good / insightful” Fear says, “You can’t shine as bright so you might as well not even turn on your light, just stay small and quiet so you don’t have to feel that tough feeling.” Fear says, “stay in your comfort zone, don’t share yourself” And what speaks with fear? The ego!
So to quiet the ego, to get the guidance I need, I go to my greatest teacher: Mother Nature.
Nature doesn’t have an ego, it is pure love and consciousness. It is the creative expression of the infinite Source and Creator. The Universe doesn’t have a lack mindset, it is abundant all the time. It’s doesn’t compare, it doesn’t get jealous, it allows flourishing because that is what is best for all beings.
Botanist, scientist and writer Robin Wall Kimmerer tells us about nature: “all flourishing is mutual” That hit me in exactly the right way. There is enough to go around for all of us: the beauty and books, enough jobs, businesses, babies, passport stamps and adventures. In an abundant mindset there is no place for jealousy or comparison, there is only joy and flourishing.
Think about an orchid, a basil plant and cherry blossom tree. They are each wonderful in their own unique way. One being praised doesn’t diminish the other’s value. After all, an orchid is pretty to sit in the front windowsill but I can’t eat it. I can cook with basil but a cherry blossom tree will give me shade to sit under and read a book. Yet, the cherry blossom won’t fit in my windowsill like the orchid will. They are valuable just by their existence. For the orchid to want to nourish someone the way the basil does and the basil to want to grow big enough to provide shade and the cherry blossom to want to fit in a window would be a misuse of their energy . Instead, they flourish…without jealousy or comparison.
This lesson can be extended to humans as well. When I flourish, others can flourish too, why wouldn’t they? When someone shines, I can as well. Nature knows this as a law yet humans seem to forget. We're often in competition with each other, especially in our thoughts. This woman being hot and getting a bunch of likes and comments on social media actually doesn’t impact my own appearance or how I show up online. If I am secure in my own truth, if I am living in alignment and if my vibe is grounded then I am unshakeable. I am me, fully myself and she is fully herself. How joyful for us both!
Shine bright not because you’re trying to be brighter than another person but because we inspire each other when we fully give our gifts to the world. Cheer others on and notice more folks cheering for you. As you celebrate others' successes, feel that your own successes are magnified.
This is an abundant mindset (not fear / ego based) through the eyes of nature. Less basil plants doesn’t mean more valuable cherry blossoms. The orchids being lovely means that I can still cook with basil and sit in the shade of the cherry blossoms. They each flourish and allow the others to do the same because there isn’t fear, there isn’t lack. Indeed, all flourishing is mutal
How are you flourishing today, this season, this one moment? Drop a comment below and let's celebrate what you have going on!