Things I hear as a Childfree Woman
I am a Childfree Woman, Imma say it loud and proud! I have never wanted children, not at 40 or 14. I made sure this was clear to my husband back when he was my boyfriend. I am grateful to be able to make this choice
A few notes on my language choices: I like “Childfree” vs “Childless” because there is power in the decision being my own. I intentionally choose the freedom that comes from opting out of having kids. When speaking to folks about my family / motherhood situation, I will also use the terms “non-mom”, “DINK” (Double Income No Kids), “CBC” (Childfree By Choice) and “NKC” (No Kids Club)
Despite being very firm in this life altering choice, many folks have something to say about my reproductive decisions. Over the years I have gotten pushback from women (and a whole lot of men) about the decision to be Childfree. Here are just a few of them:
1. You'll change your mind.
Sure, maybe I'll start liking different music (that new Cowboy Carter country album by Beyonce is fire y’all!) or I'll read different books (zombies or smutty romance?) or enjoy traveling to different locations (Ohio is lovely this time of year, right?) But not this. There has never been a time in my life when I wanted to be a mom. Never have I felt, thought or said, “I can’t wait to me a mommy someday.” It’s just not there, and that’s okay. I’m not broken or defective, I just know my own mind. This is the most critical decision of a woman's life, more than who to marry or where to live or what vocation to pursue. So no actually, I won't change my mind.
2. Who will take care of you when you're old? Won’t you be lonely when you’re older?
Why do you think your kids will take care of you when you’re old? Why would I be lonely when I have so many awesome friends and I love to make new ones? Having kids doesn’t mean that they will take care of you, or that they will make you less lonely. Having a child to have a friend feels like a red flag. Bringing someone into this world for your own interest or amusement is pretty selfish to me. More on that with #4 below. I’m guessing some people are lonely and they have kids. Or perhaps they don’t have a deep and wide circle of friends (which I am deeply grateful for) that they can count on. Maybe I live to age 60 or 100 (I’m hoping the latter) but there’s just not a guarantee that my child would grow up to be my caregiver. Would I want to put that burden on them?
3. You must have so much free time
This is a low key dig and I often get it from moms who are wildly burned out and don’t feel like they have free time. So let's pause to define "free time." Is it the time that someone has while not working for a paycheck? As in, "In my free time I like to knit, paddle board, color or do agility courses with my corgi (yes, I've seen it and it's hilarious!) “Free time” is the time that is ours and no one else's. We all have time...if it's free or not is up to us. In your free time if you want to coach your kid’s lacrosse team that's fantastic. That’s 2 choices actually, the one to have a kid in the 1st place and then interact with her in this one particular way. You could have her go to lacrosse practice and while you wait in the car you’re playing Candy Crush, that’s how you’re using your free time. If you want to read, play video games, hike or do literally 100s of other things that humans do (with or without kids in tow) that's at your discretion. I have the same 24 hours in a day that you do. I have chosen to allocate these hours differently based on one decision that has many many rippling decisions and effects.
4. You’re just selfish
Ohhhhh this one is my favorite. Mostly because it’s so easy to debunk. We are all selfish beings. We take up space on this planet just by living and breathing. Instead, I think it’s selfish to have a child to save a marriage, meet a societal obligation or fulfill a leftover childhood dream. As more of my friends have kids I see that as parents they are depleted, tired and exhausted. To have a fun and active adult (that’s me!) interacting with a child is nourishing for both parents and their kids. I can do this because I’m not tired and overworked like many parents (often the moms) are. But if I had my own kids, I wouldn’t have the energy to interact with someone else’s kid. I love to give parents a break, if that’s to take a long shower, do a Peloton ride or just lay in their bed and stare at the ceiling while I’m outside playing in the grass with their kids. The sharing of my time and energy is the opposite of selfish.
5. So you just don’t like kids, huh?
I do like (some) kids and find it so much fun to play with them. I just don’t want to have them myself. I have been a volunteer coach for Girls on the Run and taught yoga to girl scouts. I want to put my time into the kids I want to, not the ones I have to. If I don’t like a human, child or adult then I won’t spend time with them…that’s simple. Spending time with the kids I vibe with is actually super fun. And then I want it to be over and send them back into the arms of their parents. Interacting with kids whose energy matches my own is nourishing for us both.
I believe Motherhood can take many forms. Some women are moms because they made a baby in their womb. Others are moms because they are dating or married to a partner that had kids before they were in the picture. Women adopt children, they have children and then give them up for adoption. Women loose pregnancies or have children pass, are they any less of mothers? Some women are mothers to animals, businesses and communities. I have come to understand my feminine energy in ways that don’t involve being a mom. I am firm in this decision and support women along every part of the motherhood spectrum.
I am hopeful that more people will support me in my journey that doesn’t involve being a mom. I am hopeful that we can encourage all women to decide what motherhood looks like for them. I am hopeful that we can support women with policies and laws that allow them to be the very best versions of themselves, with or without kids. I support a woman’s right to choose the path she desires.