My mental health journey

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and so I wanted to share my own reflections and experiences. Please note that I am not a mental health professional or an addiction specialist. I am a Health Coach and I am a human with an experience to share. Thank you for witnessing my vulnerability.

It might surprise you to know that was on antidepressants for over a decade. From age 15 - 27 I was taking a cocktail of Wellbutrin, Liothyronine, Prozac and Klonopin. The dosage and mix would vary depending on my age, the doctor and time of year. For example, I would take Wellbutrin seasonally from Halloween through St. Patrick’s Day (basically daylight savings time) as my mental health seemed to deteriorate in the cold, dark Mid-Atlantic winters. I would take Prozac and sometimes my doctor would add in Liothyronine. I would take Klonopin for acute anxiety and panic attacks. To be on these medications at such a young age before my brain had fully developed (around age 25) now seems crazy. Reading this now, I’m even surprised (and I lived this!)

My parents divorced when I was 13 and I was in the 3rd school in 3 years. Starting in 6th grade I went to an all-girls private school in Baltimore, one with an excellent reputation. I should have been grateful to be there with access to the teachers, curriculum, support and facilities that many families could only dream about. Rather, I was confused, overwhelmed and totally out of my league. After getting great grades in elementary school, when I started middle school and my parents were in the separation process, my grades were just okay. By 8th grade, just before I started taking medication, I was in remedial math with barely passing marks. I just didn’t want to learn or didn’t have the brain power to keep up with the rigorous studies. I wanted to play soccer and be outside. I wanted to listen to music in my room and transport myself to somewhere else, anywhere else that didn’t involve yelling and fear of violence in the home. I was depressed and on depression medication which didn’t seem to help that much, if at all.

In High School, I was also in talk therapy (minimally helpful) and I would use a light box (more helpful) in the winter. I still use the light box and I’m in therapy, both of which I would recommend. Here’s the weird / scary / odd part": At no point did any of the medical professionals who were caring for me suggest diet modifications, acupuncture, time in nature, mindfulness, sound therapy, yoga or any of the practices I now rely on. It was mostly medication >> good luck kid….this was the 90’s after all. I actually have very few memories of 1996-2001, which includes the duration I was on medication. I had suicidal thoughts, not plans, but fantasizes about “not being here.” I knew I couldn’t actually kill myself but felt deeply troubled, lonely and disconnected so I believed the world would be better if I wasn’t in it.

This fog started to lift in Spring of Senior year. So with prescriptions in hand, I went onto college in Fall of 2001 for a lacrosse scholarship. I loved my new friends, the campus and the fact that no one from Baltimore had ever attended Longwood in Farmville, VA. I could bury my depression and mental health issues under my new cover of “cool party girl.” I joined a sorority and made friendships that are still critical to this day. Between lacrosse and sorority life I was making good grades (college was way earlier than High School) so everything was good, right?

But I was drinking a lot….which is pretty much rule #1 of what NOT to do while taking depression medication because, ya know alcohol is a depressant. I was chugging cheap beer and smacking a bag of Franzia 5+ nights a week with teammates and sorority sisters. So what if I was blacking out and forgetting whole parts of the night, we were all doing it together so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

The mix of booze and antidepressants was crushing me. At times, it felt like I had a boulder of depression and hopelessness sitting on my chest. I pushed it all down, shut my eyes and just “tried harder.” I graduated college in 2005 Cum Laude and MVP of my lacrosse team, yet the black hole of hopeless…particularly during the winter never left me. How could I be “sad” when it looked like I had it all. (Too many) years went by of drinking on medication which left me emotionally empty, depleted and numb to the world around me. I guess this is just “being an adult”, huh?

In 2011 at the suggestion of my sister, I tried yoga. My 1st class was a Bikram class and I loved the sweat and challenge. I was hooked, this was perfect for a recovering athlete. I was still on medication, still partying but I would drag my boozy self to classes 4-5x / week. I was happy in yoga but then I would leave the studio and the darkness would envelop me. I was trying to drown out the darkness with booze and of course it worked; alcohol numbs…a lot. But I wasn’t able to access the joy either. On the medication I felt so blah, just gray. I knew something had to change, I had to stop the meds (the thought of giving up booze hadn’t occurred to me yet)

When I did my yoga teacher training in the fall of 2015 I felt like I was finding my way back home. I loved the philosophy, the inner work. This was the medication, the balm, that I needed. I was able to cut out the anti-depressants but was still drinking. It would take me until January of 2019 to make the most critical decision for my mental health: cut out the booze.

Would it be cliche for me to say yoga was the catalyst for finally honoring and paying attention to my mental health? Is it obvious that stopping alcohol consumption is the greatest mental health “hack” (and I loathe that word) And yet, these were the two most important things, lifestyle changes, not medication that helped me to change the story and face my demons. Meditations like Metta, which focus on loving awareness and compassion encouraged me to let go of the narratives that weren’t serving me.

Are antidepressants the right course of action for some folks? That is up to you and a trusted medical provider / healer / expert to decide. I cannot and will not say “no one should take <<insert depression on anxiety medication>> ever.” I will tell you that diet, exercise and movement, music, dance and art and of course, time in nature are balms that ease many pains and rewire our brains. These modalities should be prescribed as a 1st course of treatment not something to throw in later on. Rather than treating the symptoms of depression which is what medications like SSRIs do, I would encourage folks to look at the root cause. Is the depression acute based on the loss of a pet or loved one? Is this chronic based on your environment, job or partner (or the lack of these). Is there a brain chemical that is low? What is your depression trying to tell you?

Reflecting now, when I look at that depression it was about not being seen, loved and valued. It was about not feeling safe and secure. Total root chakra blockage. Without the validation, love, acceptance, safety and security, I searched for this everywhere, only to find a temporary fix for the holes in my heart.

So now I journal, talk, listen and move. I sit with the pain and let it speak to me. I allow the light to come in through the crack. To be clear, I don’t think that cracked space needs to be “fixed”, because it is a critical part of my story. Healing (and grief) are not linear, they can take twists and turns. I am still walking this path.

I acknowledge the journey and see the beauty in learning about myself in as many ways as possible. I am deeply grateful there is an increase in both the frequency and the depth of conversation about mental health. But please note this cannot be separated from our physical or spiritual health or the health of the planet we live on. The frequency, our energy is always moving, but are we aware of it? Are we cultivating it, tending to it like we would a garden (more nature metaphors I know, she is our greatest teacher)? Or are we paving over the mental health landscape with a cement truck and heavy bricks (often in the form of medications only)? What can we do to see our mental health as an indicator of overall health and as a means of exploration rather than a mountain to overcome?

I honor where you are on your path, thank you for honoring me while I travel mine. Your thoughtful, compassionate and respectful discussion and questions are welcomed.