Helped. Heard. Hugged
Picture this: You want to comfort a friend, kiddo or partner about something sensitive and important. You say or do something but it's not taken as you intended. Now they are more upset and you're left wondering why. You were just trying to do the right thing, so what went wrong?
Understanding how to support someone starts with asking them what they need. And sometimes folks don't even know what they need until they are asked. This simple act of being curious invites compassion. It also allows us to build connection, trust and understanding with those we love.
As the person receiving help, it's important to know (and feel!) what you're looking for in the interaction. Knowing what would feel the most supportive allows both people to actively participate in the conversation, especially if it's a difficult one.
For me, after sharing a challenging situation with a friend or my partner, if they launch into "all you have to do is..." or "that happened to me and ..." it feels invalidating. It feels like they aren't hearing me or meeting me where I need them. If I pour my heart out and someone doesn't offer words of encouragement or even physical touch as a form of encouragement, it feels like they are distancing themselves from me. If I come to someone and I say, "I would like your perspective on this" or "what would you do in my situation" then I am expecting their help and advice. I like to say to my husband, "I don't need you to solve this problem, I just need to say the words out loud" so he knows that I want to be heard. If I confide in someone "I'm just really struggling right now, can you hold me for a little bit" then they know to give me a hug.
And then flip the script: If someone comes to me with a problem, is their expectation that I provide them a solution, offer an acknowledgment of the pain or give them a big freaking hug. Knowing what I need as the sharer of a message and what I can do to help someone as the receiver of a message allows the communication to be genuine and caring. This is rooted in curiosity and it's a beautiful place to begin.
So let's look at 3 types of needs in communication:
Help - Provide guidance and support. An immediate solution might be present or it could take some further investigation to find. Patience is key here and includes asking the right questions in a loving and open way. And based on these questions, the person might actually discover the answer for themselves.
Heard - Listening is deeper and more intentional than just hearing. When listening with compassion, it's important to provide safety...which means removing judgement. "I can't believe you did that" doesn't feel great. The reframe of, "I imagine that was a hard thing for you to go through" provides more support . Validation and acknowledgment are key here.
Hugged - A 30-second hug can help the other person so much, especially when you as the receiver are grounded and regulated. Pressing our hearts together we can provide soothing for a challenging situation. A loving form of consensual touch is a critical part of our DNA as humans. Don't force the person into a hug or physical touch as this might not be wanted or could be triggering. Perhaps a hand on the back or some smaller touch point might be necessary, with the person's consent.
Being there for someone, whatever that looks like is a gift of human connection. That moment of curiosity can open the door to compassion and trust, truly what is needed in the world today.