Rest is a requirement, not a reward

It’s taken me 42 years (and counting) to start believing this mantra: Rest is a requirement, not a reward.

As a kid, my grandma used the term “lazy bones” frequently. She'd call my sister and I "lazy bones" if we didn’t want to set the table or do chores. She'd call us "lazy bones" if we didn't wake up early (hi, we're like 10 and 13 and our parents are going through a divorce) But often "lazy bones" referred to anyone who was simply resting and not actively doing work or checking things off the to-do list. She said it with such disdain that I knew I had to prove I wasn’t lazy. “Lazy” became the slur I never wanted to be called. From a young age, it was synonymous with bad, lacking, and unworthy. And I definitely didn’t want to be bad, right? I had to earn my rest and I would do it by being productive...surely that would prove I was good, right?

I’ve struggled with the myth that productivity equals value for most of my life. Maybe, living in a capitalist nation, you have as well. I played college lacrosse and joined a sorority with graduating Cum Laude. I ran half and full marathons, volunteered and went to literally over 60 weddings (another blog post is forthcoming on how weird wedding culture is, but I digress). I bought my first home at 25 and contributed to my 401(k). I was doing and doing all the time, in an effort to prove I didn't have a lazy bone in my body. Being lazy was only acceptable if I was sick, injured or had conquered a mountain of to-do’s.

To this day, it’s often hard for me to relax without that nagging voice whispering, “What are you doing, lazy bones?” Like, OMG what if someone walks into my house and finds me, (gasp!) reading my book on the couch rather than making money, doing chores or planning another wellness event. In some twisted way, that’s why I was okay with being hungover from 2001 - 2018: it gave me an excuse to rest. I was “sick,” after all. Let me repeat, I used hangovers as an excuse to rest because I couldn't cut myself a freaking break otherwise. It still hurts my heart that I was so damn hard on myself for years and years...that poisoning with booze seemed like the best way to justify rest. 

It was 2019 when I stopped drinking that I really started to dig into the link between laziness and worthiness through journaling and therapy. Here’s what I’ve discovered:

What if “laziness” is just failing to meet external expectations. However, I found those expectations to be unreasonable: there’s nothing natural about working 9am to 5pm for example. There’s nothing natural about a 40-hour work week or a five-day grind. Why would I only get two weeks off a year because my employers say so? How is that enough time to actually live and enjoy my life? Releasing the expectation of what "work" looks like means requalifying what "lazy" feels like. 

And maybe I want a day, or 2 days, heck maybe even 15 days to be “lazy.” Would that make me bad? Or would that make me a human? Is the to-do list really just a “prove how good you are” list in disguise? If I was only using rest as a reward, how will I know when I "earn it?"

Maybe the times I’ve been “lazy,” I was actually depressed, anxious, overwhelmed or tired AF. Maybe my so-called laziness, both then and now, was my body’s way of saying "enough, I need a break." Maybe it’s not a flaw, but a signal. We’re living in a world that glorifies exhaustion, chains us to screens, and still doesn’t guarantee basic healthcare. My laziness might in fact be a reaction to the deep and pressing weight of being alive. 

Y’all know I’m a big fan of reframing, so here it goes:

Original narrative: I’m lazy for taking a Friday off to lie in the grass and have a picnic with my friends.
Reframe: I’m investing in the relationships that nourish me.

Original narrative: I’m lazy because I don’t want to sub another yoga class when I could do it. 
Reframe: The most productive thing I can do for myself right now is rest.

Original narrative: I'm lazy when I don't do the dishes and go to bed with a clean kitchen
Reframe: Snuggling my dog and husband is way more fun and enjoyable. The dishes will be there tomorrow. 

The ultimate reframe comes down to this: Rest is a requirement, not a reward

Through journaling, self discovery and therapy it's my deep desire to share this message. Rejecting the myth that laziness is bad means giving myself permission to be a human being, not a human doing. I don’t have to be constantly producing to be of value. Simply by being here, that's enough. This is something I’ll be working on (resting on!) for the rest of my life.

Please note:  Much of my intention and curiosity around rest is rooted in the powerful work of Tricia Hersey, author of The Nap Ministry. Please seek and study her work if you’re so called.